I think it’s stress. I’m not sure. I’ve got a lot of things on my mind lately. None of them particularly bad, but most of it quite.. captivating. Work has never been this stressful. In my private life it’s been quite a while since I had to think about planning this much for a trip, and in fact I’m planning for two trips. And there’s always other unforeseen circumstances that make me worry more than I should. Sometimes I think it’s just better to let it all go and relax.
Last night, as I’ve been doing for the past couple of days, I turned off my air conditioning and my computer before I went to sleep. This means that my room is really cold in the morning, but with a good blanket it’s quite do-able, and probably more healthy. The room gets really quiet without the sound of those two machines. I used to love it. A completely quiet, pitch black room. Perfect to sleep in. Nothing to distract you.
Not anymore. I’ve gotten too used to having sound around me. It helps me focus, it helps me remember things I shouldn’t forget. Disconnecting all noise and all light means that my brain can completely relax, resulting in me forgetting things and clearing my mind. I dream a lot more in total silence. And I have nightmares, too. Last night I had one. I don’t remember what it was about, but I woke up covered in sweat. And I screamed. That never happened before. It scared me quite a lot.
So I’m trying to figure out what it is that made me scream at night. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t the dream. Even though I don’t really remember it I’m sure that it wasn’t that scary. I don’t get scared easily (or at all), anyway. I figure it must have something to do with my waking life, and the only thing I can think of is stress. I don’t consciously feel stressed at all. I like my work, and there is the occasional stress moment, but I’m perfectly capable of letting it all go and relaxing once work is finished. Same for private life: I can put things into perspective and loosen my care about a particular thing. If I want to. I’m guessing though that recently all these things have been piling up in my subconscious, and finally they’ve found a good time to find their way out of my brain, which just happens to be when I’m happily enjoying a quiet nights’ rest.
I believe it’s a state of mind I can influence, though. I don’t need to feel stress, consciously or unconsciously. All it requires is flicking a switch in my mind. I switch I dare not flick because of the consequences of my relationship with people. In fact, I’ve been neglecting to hang out with some friends in favor of hanging out with other people recently. We haven’t done too much as a whole group of AK recently. To me, I feel as if I’ve reached my limit of social gatherings already, and I needed to choose some group to drop. I still love to hang out with small groups of friends, but hanging out in large groups is something I never enjoyed anyway, and I lost my will to be a part of the big group we usually have here. It’s one of the first things to drop in my mind, and it is indeed a healthy sign. Because it means that I have a lot of things going on besides work, and the usual group I hang out with. It’s not that I don’t want to join, it’s just that I lack the amount of willpower and brainpower (and awake-ness) to hang out a lot.
Let it all go.
