The colorful wolf

May 6, 2010

Hills

Filed under: Thoughts — randy @ 19:01
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I don’t like change, very simply put. I can accept change because I’ve gotten used to it, and I realize consciously that sometimes change is necessary. I make logical decisions about my life that favor moving on over standing still. Despite all that, every time my life changes I get a gut feeling that I don’t want it to change.

The reason for that, I think, is that my life used to suck. When I was a teenager I didn’t think that much about my life, but looking back on it I realize I was less of a person than I am now. And by that I don’t mean just lack of experience or the process of growing up, I mean that if I logically/linearly extrapolated my life as a teenager, I would have turned out to be less of a person than I am now. In other words, I exceeded my own expectations. I reached a place that I never thought I could reach, which surprised me so much that I’m reluctant to move away from that place now that I’m finally here.

I’m scared of losing that which I have achieved. Logically I know that my experience and my personality is in my head and that I’m not dependent on anything external to be who I am. No one can take that away from me. The trip that I am undertaking now has more than proved that. On an emotional level though, I am still scared to turn my life up-side-down, for fear of making it worse than it is now, and for fear of changing myself into a ‘worse person’ than I am now. I imagine myself looking back on this moment ten years from now and thinking “My life was better back then”. I don’t want that to happen.

No matter what you do, the world around you will change, and if you don’t change with it you will be left behind. It’s like cycling up a steep hill. You can’t stand still, because you’ll fall down or go backwards. You have to climb it, endure it until you reach the top. And when you do, you’ll realize that a wonderful new experience is right there waiting for you.

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